Crack Ficlets are a Fangirl's Pop Rocks : Autumn
by Visual Confectionary
Summary: Ficlet Challenges from houseprodigy. Probably, mostly consisting of RoyEd. Beware, my bad sense of humor ensues.
1. Shut Up And Sleep With Me

For those waiting on my update for Soushitsu, it's coming, I swear. Haha.

But moving on: This was a challenge, and where will I'll be posting the challenges from my dear Moses, Amanda.

She beta'd this too. I love her.

The challenge that was given was she provided the title of the ficlet, and the last line, the rest was mine to fill in.

Warnings: Yaoi. RoyEd. Crackish.

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**Shut Up And Sleep With Me**

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For once, Colonel Roy Mustang was quite perplexed. The day could not have gone by more perfectly. His usually huge pile of paperwork had dwindled to a very thin amount. The contents of the day were held in a thin folder. Hawkeye had not once stepped into his room to pry, nor to bring in more paperwork. His subordinates were all chatting amongst themselves, working and researching further, along with Havoc filing the paperwork for the most recent cases. Black Hayate was surprisingly absent, much to his relief as to his embarrassment; the dog slightly frightened him, considering who the owner was. Outside the sun was shining, and not a cloud covered the sky. The breeze blew just enough to keep the temperature at a warm state. Even the coffee had been exceptionally well made that morning. It seemed the day was just too perfect.

On top of it all, even the alchemist who normally caused him problems was well behaved. He came in and took criticism with great stride. He sat there, keeping his mouth closed, not causing an uproar. As Roy leafed through the report, he noted how well written it was, along with the organization. He had never seen something so well prepared, and to be coming from Edward Elric, it was truly a delight. Though, with the perfect, yet, boring day, he was longing for some type of entertainment. Trying to get a rise out of the boy, he started in with small comments…quite literally.

"So, Fullmetal, it seems you've come up a bit **_short _**on obtaining information…"

Nothing.

"It seems you take into very** _little_** consideration the consequences for your actions."

Not even a twitch.

"With your **_meager_** consideration of what would happen…"

The boy merely looked at him. This was starting to unnerve him. Something was definitely going on.

"Fullmetal, I just can-"

"Shut up."

"Wh-"

"Shut up."

Now he was starting to test his patience. The blonde stood up, walking over to his desk, staring him down. Was he trying to intimidate him? What was he trying to accomplish?

Roy opened his mouth, but could only move his jaw, unable to think of a retort to the boy who was now directly in front of him. And…was now straddling his lap? Wait. Something was definitely….  
The blonde lowered his mouth to Roy's ear and whispered very breathily, keeping his voice low.

"Just shut up…and sleep with me."

Before he knew it, foreign lips had found their way to his. Nimble fingers were digging into his military jacket. A smaller body was rocking against him. And he was kissing back.

"I want you…now." Ed huskily whispered, working the buttons on Roy's shirt.  
"Ed…we can't."

"Why?" Ed said, not pausing from running his fingers down Roy's chest. Said fingers were now working the top of Roy's pants as he trailed kisses down his chest, capturing a nipple between his teeth.

"Not here…Not right now…" Roy moaned out, moving his hips upward against Ed's.

"Oh really? Then when? When it's not April first?" Ed looked up, grinning toothily at the man before him.

"You little…" Roy's face flushed with embarrassment.

"What?"  
For once, Roy was sputtering and unable to speak, a mixture of his embarrassment and anger.

Edward dismounted from Mustang, straightening his clothes up, and looking back at the man.  
"So, you still up for later? You know you want me." The blonde said, winking.  
"You wish, Fullmetal," was all Roy could manage.

"Psh," Ed huffed.

* * *

Reviews would be greatly appreciated 


	2. Edward Says

**-Blame Amanda, and me getting high off of paint fumes.**

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**Edward Says**

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It seemed to Roy Mustang that no matter what, Edward Elric absolutely _had_ to make a contest out of everything. Normally, it was something such as retorts or snide remarks, challenging him in getting one up on the other. Edward often came up with things that proved he was in fact, childish. For example, on this day, he wanted to play an easy game. Trivial and seemingly simple as it was, a game of Simon Says, or in this case, Edward Says, seemed to be quite audacious, considering they had been assigned to paint the office which was in dire need of a fresh coat and color. He insisted it was for pure fun and to pass the time, though with the look in his eye, it was quite obvious there was a warmongering stirring within the boy.

At the beginning, it was very simple.

"Edward says to put your brush down and touch your nose and blink three times."  
"Edward says to stand on your left leg and jump up and down."  
"Edward says to pat your stomach and rub your head."  
"Edward says to lick your elbow."  
"Hey, Fullmetal, Fuck you."  
"Edward says to shut up and listen." Ed said, snorting in laughter at the Colonel who actually attempted to lick his elbow.

"Edward says to touch your tongue to your nose."  
"Fullmetal, this is pointless."  
"Edward says to pick your brush back up," Ed said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest.  
"Edward says to paint a line approximately three feet to my left and move the brush upwards, keeping it straight."  
Roy eyed the boy. Now why was he giving direct orders of what way to paint? There was obviously something bubbling inside the blondes head, and it disturbed him.   
"Edward says to bring the brush downwards about two feet to the right from stroke you just made, yeah, right there, and start curving it in a little bit."  
Ed was now standing behind him, pointing and continuing to give direction to the older man. His hands were moving in casual gestures and pointing to certain spots on the wall. His brow was furrowed in thought, and was evidently taking this very seriously. He shook it off and could only assume it was something with no manifest product, just something that had been conjured up by the adolescent.

Two hours later, it was finally stated, "Edward says stop, step back, and look at…our work."  
At this point, the eldest Elric had stepped backward, with a devilish grin on his face, and was carefully watching the Colonel's expression go from apparent ennui, to obvious horror.

"How in the FUCK—"  
"Let's just say, I have quite the imagination, and from what I gather, I believe it's reasonably accurate." The blonde said, with a wink.

"I want to KNOW how you managed to be able to instruct someone else to paint a NUDE portrait of ME onto the wall…AND HOW WOULD YOU EVEN FIND OUT THAT—"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"


	3. Flame is less than Infamy?

_Again, as with most of my crack writings. Just...don't ask. XD_**  
**

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**Flame Infamy?**

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Roy Mustang, as many already knew, had quite the reputation. Among many, he was quite infamous for his personal life, or dating, rather. Jean Havoc was able to tell many accounts on which he was able to easily sweep a woman off of her feet. The exchanging of letters, a night out at the theatre accompanied by a candle light dinner, those were his cards which he managed to play out correctly, and score often. What happened behind closed doors, on the other hand, was never spoken of. If you were to ask a lady who had previously been with him, the normal response was a blush and a giggle. Jean Havoc, took this as either he was incredible, or perhaps, something a bit juicier. Something that could easily create talk among the headquarters much more interesting and this something would be discovered one way or the other.

Jean Havoc seemed to know many things. One thing that he also knew was of a certain blonde who often blushed around the presence of the man, who stumbled over his very own words, and often times sounded like a babbling idiot, but nonetheless, it was obvious the boy was head over heels in love. What he also took into consideration were two things.

1.)Roy loved toying with the boy, who recognized his feelings.

2.) Edward Elric owed him a large favor.

Jean Havoc, knew, if he were to play **his** cards right, he could easily find out exactly what went on behind doors. Did 'Mustang' make for a very suiting last name? Was Roy in fact, a very lousy lay? He knew of one way to find out, and just so happened, he was dealt a very sweet card.

It was just like any other day, boring, and seemed as though it would last a century. Havoc took it upon himself to pry around, because he did notice one thing. Roy Mustang was writing one of his infamous little notes. These notes consisted of swooning and tickets. The dark haired man eventually went to get some fresh coffee, which was the cue for his subordinate. He causally walked over to the desk, and wanted to catch the name on the top of the paper, and just as he had hoped, he saw (written in very fine penmanship, might I add)   
"Dearest Edward,"  
A t this point, Jean could only smile as he strolled out of the office in pursuit the teenage blonde. He lit up a cigarette as he walked down the hallway, and finally, something red caught his eye.  
"Yo, Ed!"  
"Oh, Hey."  
"Remember that time I helped you out of a sticky situation? Well, I've got a favor to ask…"  
"Oh God. What could you possibly want?" Edward said, bringing two fingers up to begin rubbing his temple, awaiting what this favor could be.

"Well. I believe a certain someone will be asking you out for tonight, and I do believe, that this certain someone will be able to get you into bed. All I want to know is if they're a lousy lay or not. And I'm going to need proof of this. So…"  
Edward Elric was now wide eyed, and his jaw had made intimate contact with the floor. It was something to the effect of 'thud'.  
"I figure you can con him into coming back to your place, and I'll just casually hang out by your dorm and have a listen. But look. If say, this person is a bad lay, I'll make up for it and pay you, let's say, half of my paycheck. But if they happen to be good, I want to be paid for having to listen. The price will be the same coming from you."  
"I'm not really the kiss and tell kind." Edward said, his face clearly matching his jacket.  
"Come on, you owe me a favor anyway."  
"But, this is just weird. It's like a bet, too. That's not right!"  
"Oh please? I'll never bother you again."  
Edward tapped his foot silently his fingers coming into use, rubbing the temple almost vigorously.  
"Fine. You're on."

The short haired blonde was reading a book, hiding underneath the staircase near Ed's dorm room. He kept looking at his watch, and it was nearing 1:30.  
_'Any time now…'_

He managed to read about 5 more pages before he finally heard shuffling coming up the stairs. Dare he peek? Of course, maybe he could learn a thing or two, not that he really needed to…

Though, from the looks of it, Roy was obviously a master when it came to the action. He had the smaller blonde wrapped around him, perched upon his hips and could notice the almost graceful way he would pull Edward in closer and for a deeper kiss. Havoc's stomach slightly churned at the sight of seeing such a thing, and was tempted to back out on staying around to listen by the door. But no, just because the man could obviously kiss meant nothing. It didn't mean he was good in bed, so perhaps he should stick around.

He waited until he heard more shuffling, and a door close shut. He slowly walked up the stairs and heard a slight click, indicating the door was locked. Pulling a chair up near the door, he could hear muffled conversation, and decided to pull his book back out.

For several minutes, he heard nothing but silence. Finally he heard something, what, could it be? Edward was complaining? Or was that…

He pressed his ear closely to the door, and either Ed was sleeping restlessly and agreeing with Roy a lot, or…

At the sudden realization, he threw his hands up over his ears. Lowly groaning, he felt himself dying on the inside…  
"Roy, that's not comfortable, what the fuck is THAT? …….. You've got to be kidding me!"

Again, Jean's ears perked up, perhaps it was turning into what he had hoped, it seemed as though he'd be paying Edward, but if this wasn't wort-

Suddenly a loud moan pierced through the silence followed by,

"Do that again, Mhm, Fuckkk."  
Jean Havoc, promptly lit a cigarette and buried his face in his hands.

The next morning, Ed found Havoc and gave him an envelope with cash enclosed. He noticed how drained the older looked and decided against going into detail, but couldn't help feeling smug. Havoc was dying for Roy Mustang to be bad at something. Anything.

"So. I'm guessing it was. Ahem. Well. Yeah." Havoc was rolling a cigarette in between his fingers, ready to light.  
"Oh. It was, hm, fantastic." Ed said with a wink, and a sigh came from the other.  
"But hey, there was one thing I didn't enjoy. It kind of sucked.."  
Havoc was all ears, wanting to know exactly what was wrong with the infamous Roy Mustang.  
"He was really slow…"  
"You mean like…?" Havoc said, perking a suggestive eyebrow.  
"Not in that way. He was just too damn slow as in making me wait that long for an experience like that."  
The cigarette snapped in half.  
"But hey," Ed said, opening the envelope with all the cash tucked inside,  
"There's too much green to feel blue."


	4. Friend is a FourLetter Word

_A/N: I'm sorry guys, I swears, I still love you all. It's been a crazy year, but I'm back and plan up get back to updating Housing Project Elric, so be on the look out, that is, if you don't hate me T.T_

_So here's my latest challenge from Mandy. 3_

_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA T.T  
_

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Riza Hawkeye was enjoying the rather slow day at Headquarters. There was only minimal paperwork to be done, there hadn't been any incidents which called for military attention, and the Elrics had come back safely from another investigation. All in all, the day was turning out to be quite pleasant.

At the current time, she was enjoying her sandwich in the absence of her coworkers. They dispersed on their lunch hour, while she stayed close by Colonel Mustang's office, in case anything was needed or came up. She leafed through the copy of the report Edward had turned into Roy catching only the words, "It's not my fault," "That bastard," and "Explosions." She knew how the oral report had to be going between the two at this point and time.

She shook her head at the very thought of the two.

Their relationship was very hard to sum up. At times it seemed like such a father/son relationship, at times it seemed like they hated each other, but most of the time, you got this deep friendship vibe from the two. It was probably a misplaced sense of friendship, due to the constant bickering, but it existed.

She smiled; that was, until she heard a rather loud crashing noise coming from the office.

* * *

This was very possibly the worst day Edward Elric had had in ages. First off, he woke up with a terrible headache from all the explosions which had occurred on his last excursion. He had missed his early train due to said headache and a fight with the ticket vendor for the train, arguing that he needed an ADULT'S ticket and NOT a CHILD'S ticket. The train he finally had caught was cram-packed with the noon crowd and he was stuck sitting next to an incredibly annoying child. If that child had uttered another "Cause why?" he would have created a new taboo in alchemy. Reverse Human Transmutation.

And then there was this.

Colonel Shit was _teasing _him.

Not in the normal sense with words such as "small, miniscule, microscopic, little, tiny, petite, shrimp, puny…"

Yes, the man was _teasing _him in a more…intimate manner. Roy hadn't even opened the front page of his report. He simply eyed his subordinate, and did that annoying little 'come hither' gesture.

"Nope, not today."

A dark eyebrow raised.

"Listen, Bastard. Read the report. Let me go home. I want to get the hell out of here."

Roy looked down at the report and lazily leafed through it, licking his finger each time he wanted to turn the page.

Normal humans did NOT lick their fingers like that.

Ever since Roy had declared Edward his 'fuck buddy' he took it upon himself to try to get into those leather pants whenever he could. There wasn't a time when he hadn't succeeded, and he didn't feel like failing today.

* * *

Alarmed, Hawkeye took it upon herself to burst into the room, ready to break up a fight.

Instead, the Fullmetal Alchemist was pinned to Roy's desk.

She wasn't sure if it was the sound of him hitting the desk that had alarmed her or everything that fell off of it before he hit it.

What she couldn't comprehend at this time was why she couldn't draw her gun and shoot the Flaming pervert before her.

Roy looked up and very merely said, "Fuck buddies."

Before closing the door, the only thing she could bring herself to say after her rather…wrong conclusions was,

"Oh…All right."


End file.
